Suffering in Silence is No Longer the Answer for Black Women
Encouragement is such a powerful word and when it’s done properly it can help someone overcome many obstacles. It is often something that I adapt to my everyday life to help myself and others achieve their goals and dreams. So, I wanted to take this time to take a deeper look at its meaning to see how you can use it to help yourself.
According to dictionary.com, the word encouragement is defined as: inspiring someone with confidence. It will stimulate approval and promote, advance, or foster someone or something. Doesn’t that sound so wonderful? Of course, it does!
But perhaps it has been done in a maladaptive manner, causing more harm than good for some of you.
I say that because in my experience as a Psychotherapist specializing in anxiety and depression, I am often faced with helping Black women understand how they’ve been encouraged to put themselves last in everything they do. Unfortunately, Black women are often praised for the ability to "do it all," but this type of encouragement has come at a very expensive cost to our mental and physical health.
Black women are frequently depicted in society as strong, resilient, tough and devoted care-takers ready to save the world no matter what it takes. Black women leaders, in particular, often wear this as a badge-of-honor. The expectation of being able to “do it all” and be “every woman,” has been encouraged in our communities and modeled by our families and friends. We have been encouraged to smile, not feel exhausted, and show pride in our sacrifices regardless of the weight it takes on our shoulders. We are also not often given the space or permission to share our own struggles and needs. This phenomenon is often referred to as the Black Superwoman Syndrome.
A belief that has encouraged Black women to withstand and ignore overwhelming feelings of exhaustion, doubt, fear, sadness, and fatigue; or to take on all of the world’s problems - while juggling the experiences of being a Black woman in America, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, leader, and a multitude of other roles.
Why? To uphold what has been praised and considered to be honorable attributes within the Black community. In spite of what our bodies are telling us, we continue to be silently controlled by this inner voice encouraging us to keep going.
This inner voice that calls you a “failure” when you don’t. The inner voice that lies to you and tells you “you’re not enough,” or “you’re worthless” unless you meet every demand at home and in your role as a leader in your field.
So, if you don’t know, let me be the first person to tell you that these inner voices are lies. And the secondary gain of being admired for putting yourself last is a crippling belief that is stealing your peace and joy!
I think it’s fair to say that this is not the type of encouragement that anyone needs. And this is definitely NOT what healthy encouragement looks like.
Sadly, this "Black Superwoman Syndrome" is destroying the mental health for Black women - which negatively affects our personal and professional lives. And since many of us are the matriarchs in our families, it has a negative direct effect on the people in our circle. Although, social media has shown a light on the importance of mental health within the Black community, it’s still a taboo topic. Many still will not draw the correlation of being stressed, burned out, and depressed to serious mental and physical medical conditions.
So, how can Black women silence this inner voice of unhealthy encouragement? Below are 5 simple steps to begin freeing yourself from the negative stigmas and unwanted inner voices keeping many of us locked into the false narrative of the Black Superwoman Syndrome.
1. Challenge these inner voices
Please understand that many of your negative inner dialogue is automatic, especially when these thoughts have been taught and encouraged. They are rigid beliefs that have been passed on through our experiences, traditions, cultures, and traumas. They are stubborn and not trying to go anywhere without a fight. It’s imperative that you get clear about what you are thinking and challenge them the way you do when someone asks for help. Then replace these negative thoughts with more loving thoughts to avoid going down a rabbit hole of despair and exhaustion. This will initially be difficult but with practice it will become easier. Start by using probing questions to address these thoughts like, “If I decide not to lead this committee, does it really mean that I’m not a good leader?”
2. Communicate your needs and feeling.
Black women are conditioned to not openly express feelings due to fears (and experiences) of being viewed as the “angry black woman” or “weak.” But enough with pretending that you have it all together! In fact, it’s ok for you not to have all the answers - and be tired, have a bad day - and still be great at what you are doing…all at the same time. You will be much more appreciated and admired when you show up as your authentic self. Flaws and all. So, ask for help when needed and let people know about your struggles and needs as they come. Yes, even when you are the boss! Give yourself permission to not always have to be “strong enough,” “spiritual enough,” or “smart enough.” Instead, let people know that you need a break and don’t have all the answers. In doing so, you will not only get the help and support you need, but you will also be sending a wonderful message to others that they are not alone.
3. Establish healthy boundaries for yourself and practice them daily
Boundary setting are ways in which you teach others how you want and expect to be spoken to, touched and treated emotionally, physically, and psychologically. It establishes your identity in your home, at work, within your family, among friends, and people in your community in various situations. And it is crucial to managing your mental health. Boundaries can be loose, rigid, or flexible and can help people define their individuality. Most importantly, it will help you and others better understand what you will and will not hold yourself responsible for. Boundaries will also provide you with the space you need to overcome work burnout. And just so you know…saying “NO” to unreasonable demands of your time, or emotions is setting a boundary. Now, let’s get used to saying "NO" without feeling guilty.
4. Self-care
One of the easiest ways to combat and keep the “negative encouragement” at bay is to engage in self-care. Self-care is different for everyone. Self-care can be taking a lavish vacation and pampering yourself at a spa, but it can also be taking a nap, reading a book, or listening to music. Do what makes you feel good and do it as consistently as you can.
5. Get professional help
An experienced or trained Psychotherapist can help you silence or better navigate through these disparaging inner voices. As simple as these steps seem in theory, they can be very difficult to execute on your own. So, remember to seek outside help for yourself or your immediate circle. Getting professional help is a great way to help you heal and overcome the hurt and pain that you may be experiencing. Professional help are people you can confide in, and have been trained to provide guidance and direction to help you accomplish your dreams and receive the peace and joy you deserve.
Overall, it is important for you to know that with the right tools and techniques you are capable of having an easier personal and professional life, so that you can be the best version of yourself.
Tangia Elieff
Guest Blogger
CEO and Psychotherapist of Honor Your Emotions, Inc